How long does it take for your 6 year old to tie his shoes, or your 3 year old to put her own clothes on? Isn’t it quicker to just do it yourself? Of course it is. But age-appropriate independence boosts self esteem!
Child psychiatrist, Dr Daniel Amen, says “by doing too much for our children we are increasing our self esteem by stealing theirs from them”. Wow, quite a thought.
Yes, it is terribly messy when your 13 month old tries to feed themselves yoghurt, but without practice, failing, trying again and eventually succeeding, they are not going to learn the power of the word “yet”. It’s not “I can’t do it.” It’s “I can’t do it YET.” We need to have the patience and self-control to allow our children to fail (or take forEVER) as they navigate their journey to success. This gives our children a growth mindset rather than teaching them to give up or worse, make it someone else’s problem.
When you dress your 3 year old, make your 5 year old’s bed, or pack your teenager’s school lunch, you are teaching them that you they can’t do it, you don’t have faith in them to succeed. So it breaks their self-esteem and causes learnt helplessness – the assumption that there’s no point in trying because I’m guaranteed to fail anyway. They end up asking for help before even trying and giving up quickly after they’ve failed the first time.
Are you still making your preteen’s lunch for them? By now you’ve taught them about healthy food choices, how to make the food and how to clean up after themselves, right? So why do you keep doing it? Just insist that there is protein and 2 types of vegetables in their lunch and that they clean up after themselves, then let their creative juices flow.
Age-appropriate choices boost self-esteem too, but giving too many choices for their age causes overwhelm and anxiety. For example, don’t open the cupboard and ask your 2 year old what they want to wear that day. They don’t have the wisdom to be weather appropriate and will end up demanding their thin strapped fairy dress on a 10 degree day. Instead, put out 2 full outfits on the bed and close the cupboard doors. Let them choose between those two. However, your 4 year old needs a lot more freedom of choice. So you would say “It’s going to be cold today so you need to wear long sleeves. Would you like a long sleeved top or a long sleeved dress?” Let’s say the child chooses “long sleeved dress”, then you open the cupboard and show her the options of long-sleeved dresses. Once she’s made her choice you say “Now you need to choose long pants or tights to go with that”. Let the child then choose from these controlled choices. Whether they match or not is not an issue at all. Self-expression and the feeling of “I did it myself” is so worth it.
We want to grow resilience in our children – to make them feel completely comfortable with failure as a normal, healthy part of life – a stepping stone to success. It is your job as the parent to be their scaffolding, not their pillar. So step back and watch your masterpiece work through their trials and reach success.
